and we're caught between the crossfire of heaven and hell...

I've realized there's a number of things I've kept putting off "in case I get pregnant". Like joining weight watchers and being serious about weight loss (why sign up for the program and waste that money if I'm just going to get pregnant next month...) Or signing up for activities (I don't want to pay for something like ski lessons and then not be able to take them if I get pregnant...) Or, like starting the Couch to 5K running program (I'm not in good enough shape to keep running if I get pregnant. And I was working out strenuously when I got pregnant with bean. Maybe that had something to do with the miscarriage...).

But then I realized that I can't keep putting my life on hold for 'what ifs'...

Which is not to say that I'm going to do all of the above. I missed the window to sign up for ski lessons (and if I'm honest, I'm not that disappointed. Two years of being terrified while at the top of a hill for 8 weeks in a row was enough). And while I know realistically my walk/running and weight lifting had nothing to do with my miscarriage, I don't really want to do them again - that mental block is there. So I'm doing Aquafit instead. And Yoga. And walking.

And, I did sign up for Weight Watchers again. Because of all of the above activities, eating well before I get pregnant is most likely to have a positive impact on future pregnancy. And it's the one that's most important to me. I've managed to maintain the weight loss I achieved about 5 years ago, which is fantastic, but I've never managed to really lose more. Even doctors are starting to tell me I may never lose more, which may be true, but I'm not quite ready to accept that completely yet. So, I need to do something. Obviously. And paying attention to portion size and writing down what I'm eating has always helped in the past. And, well, even if I can't follow Weight Watchers while pregnant, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, to make sure I'm being healthy can't be a bad thing...

Most importantly, I'm not putting my life on hold for something that may take a long time to happen. It took us a year to get pregnant with Bean - there's no promise it won't take at least that long this time round either. (Although I really hope it wont...) I've been fighting the dragon recently, but holding off on doing things, on living my life, is probably a good part of why the dragon's breathing fire again. I have to do things for me, and will continue to need to make time for myself once I'm pregnant, and then a mother. So why put that off now?